Don't Wanna Be Torn
by XLostxinxWonderlandX314
Summary: She was so tired of being the one who had to make all the decisions, and see there horrible consequences. Mentions of Nick/Cassie


Cassie sighed as she flopped onto the bed after turning on the radio. She wasn't paying any attention to it, she just needed some background noise the silence was unnerving her. She heard the title of a song and it caught her attention. _'Don't Wanna Be Torn'._

"_Maybe it's the things I say_

_Maybe I should I think before I speak_

_But I thought that I knew enough _

_To know myself and do what's right for me"_

No matter how hard she tried it seemed all she did and say was wrong. Eight years and it was all the same; loud arguments, Moving and Watching and Pushing, too many close calls and still _no mother_. She tried, honestly she did. She did what she thought was right but no matter what she kept getting it all wrong.

"_And these walls I building now_

_You used to bring them down_

_And the tears I'm crying now_

_You used to wipe away."_

She couldn't help it, she had been alone for so long that she didn't know what it was to interact with people who cared for her; she had walls so high that it was impossible to even see where they ended. They tried honestly, both of them Kira and _Nick_, she just didn't know how to bring them down _(the only one who was ever able too was still locked up)_ even when she was twenty-years-old and had traveled with them for such a long time_. _All she could do was curl up on her bed and cry when she thought they were asleep _(they never were)_.

"_I thought you said it was easy_

_Listening to your heart_

_I thought you said I'd be okay_

_So why am I breaking apart" _

She had a vague memory of her mother telling her that no matter what she Saw she was always supposed to follow her heart. _Yeah easier said then done mom. _How was she supposed to follow her heart when it was screaming for a man that was almost ten-years-older then her? Not much of a choice, especially when she knew he would never look at her that way. _She was almost (__**basically) **__ten years younger then him._

"_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn"_

She sighed and shifted on the bed, drawing absentmindedly in her sketchbook. Kira and Nick had gone grocery shopping; she had opted to stay at the apartment they were renting stating she was trying to get a vision of when they would have to move on. She knew they were worried about her and how hard she'd been working, but she didn't know what she to tell them.

"_Don't make me have to choose between_

_What I want and what you think I need_

_(What you think I need)_

'_Cause I'll always be your little girl_

_But even little girls still got to dream"_

What should she choose? She knew that her mother would tell her that she should go with love _(she was romantic like that) _she also knew the consequences of what any of her actions would cost her. _Go after mom and loose any chance with __**him, **__or stay with him and have her mother die. _She mentally cursed Nick in her mind, for being so perfect and making her fall for him.

"_Now it all feels like a fight_

_You were always on my side"_

She remembered that with her mother there were never any arguments. Her mother was always on her side, especially when it came to what she Saw. They were always together inseparable _(until she let herself be caught by the Division)_.

"_And the lonely I feel now_

_You used make it go away"_

No matter how crowded it got with the three of them always together in the same place 24/7; she still felt so alone. Neither of them could understand the pressure she had on her shoulders; one wrong word, move and everything could come tumbling down at her boot clad feet, everything had to be precise and exact and just so or it would be all for nothing and they would all die _(Nick, Kira, mom, her)_.

"_I thought you said it was easy_

_Listening to your heart_

_I thought you said I'd be okay_

_So why'm I breaking apart _

_Don't wanna be torn"_

Her mother lied, listening to her heart wasn't easy and it wasn't always right. She was so confused and stressed and paranoid. She didn't how much longer she could keep pretending to be okay before she cracked. She was so close to breaking she could feel practically _taste _it.

"_Why is all this so confusing_

_Complicated and consuming_

_Why has all this made me angry?_

_I wanna go back to being happy._

She could almost remember a simpler time, before she started to have visions of Nick _(which was since she was five, but she's never told him that)_, a time when she was happy and innocent. Now she was cynical, negative, bitter, and always so angry. She missed those blurry times. 

_(Instrumental)_

_These tears I'm crying now you used to wipe away_

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek and watched as another fell onto her pad.

_I thought you said it was easy (easy)_

_Listening to your heart_

_(Listening to your heart)_

_I thought you said I'd be okay_

_(I'd be okay)_

_So why'm I breaking apart _

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

_Don't wanna be torn_

The music changed and she wiped her face as she Saw Nick and Kira arriving in three minutes. She looked at the picture she had drawn while listening to the song. The bright colors depicted two figures intimately intertwined. One blond and one brunette. She ripped the page and tore into little pieces, just as she had done to the others.

She got up just as the door opened and Kira walked in followed by Nick, she walked to the trash can and let the pieces fall between her fingers. She turned toward her roommates and the smile she threw them was bright, fake; it made Nick frown but he kept silent.

"So whatcha guys get?" she questioned approaching them lazily.

She might have been tired of being torn, but she wasn't ready to make such a heavy decision; a decision she knew would break her regardless what she chose.


End file.
